Who Cares?
Who Cares
Are you known as a care-full person? I don’t just mean someone attentive to details, but someone who is attentive to those close to you. Are you someone who exudes genuine care and is seen as one full of care? Not everyone is seen that way nor even sees themselves that way.
David Brooks was academically gifted but relationally stunted. In his profound new book, How to Know a Person, this best-selling author humbly describes his journey to learn more about relationships of care. It was a long struggle. He called himself a practiced escape artist. When others chose to be vulnerable, he would often excuse himself to tend to something urgent, like visiting the dry cleaner.
At times all relationships are inconvenient. We all struggle with relationships at times; not one of us is perfect with them. If you should ever doubt that, just try getting married, or remaining happily married. The same is true for any in-depth friendship. Life giving friendships don’t come without a few challenges and significant investment.
I’m looking forward to connecting with a few long-term friends next week; one has been my friend over fifty years. Every time I head out for a trip like this my wife says, “Enjoy your buds,” and I always do. While I always whine about the hassles of travel, she knows I always celebrate the results of connecting with close friends.
Who are your close friends now? I am indebted to my mentor Bob Shank for helping me expand my appreciation for the various types of relationships in my life. He especially alerted me to the people who have invested in me. Bob recently cited a Wall Street Journal piece confirming that time is required for friendships to form and to flourish. Sadly, we all tend to be somewhat selfish with our time. Is it any wonder that we’re dealing with greater relational poverty than ever before? These days it seems that we’re increasingly impoverished, as evidenced by the lack of both spontaneous laughter and heart-felt tears.
Strong emotion is key to strong heart connection. I’ve led several hundred funerals over the years and shared thousands of messages near and far. I have no doubt that well-crafted words make an impact. But what seems to mean the most are the unplanned displays of emotion. A spontaneous joke, or especially the occasions of tearfully choking up, were always the most impactful.
What has recently made you burst out in laugher or in tears? To get very personal, who have you ever cried with or cried over? I’ve cried over the loss of my parents, a few close friends and even a family dog. One common factor was the many years we enjoyed together. Quantity of time is important; however, so is the quality of time. The losses I’m thinking about really hit my heart because I really cared about each of these individuals, and each one really cared about me. These are all illustrations of care-full connections.
In a recent covenant group one man said that what surprised him most was that someone cared about him and his story. We all long to be seen and to be heard at a soul level. As hard as it is, we all know that we need that. Unfortunately, it’s rare for us all to experience that.
In David Brooks’ book he referenced the common human fear of being invisible. He quoted George Bernard Shaw, “The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.”
We were once in a couple’s group where one of our friends shared a stunning observation. After her gastric bypass surgery, and the resulting radical weight loss, she said that others noticed her, especially men. For years prior to that she felt ignored, overlooked, and undervalued by most people. Only after her significant weight loss did she feel significant to others.
We all have a need to feel that we’re significant, that we matter. My mission is to help others feel the way I want to feel. I don’t want to be dismissed because of my age or appearance, my insecurities, or my embarrassing humanity. For example, I recently had another opportunity of humility called a colonoscopy. If you ever find yourself pridefully gloating over your personal cleanliness and control, and all-around wonderfulness, I recommend having a colonoscopy. It’s a very effective clarifier and cleanser of both body and soul.
The morning of the procedure I read an encouraging line from Sarah Young in her book: Jesus Calling. She wrote, “It’s okay to be human.” That was more than timely after the repeated explosions of my pre-exam prep the night prior. While my colon cleanse was surprisingly unpleasant and humbling, the way I was treated by the entire gastroenterology staff was surprisingly wonderful and strangely life enhancing. Frankly, I never remember a time when I experienced such grace and good humor from a medical team. I felt seen…in every way imaginable.
A colonoscopy is not a requirement for a humble human connection, but a humble heart really is. Unless we are willing to truly see others and to be truly seen by others, we can never experience life as God intended. No, we don’t have to get naked physically, but we do need to shed some of our well-crafted protections and reveal our inner emotional world.
I just came across some sad journal entries from years ago. At the time, some of the leaders in my circle were very critical of what they perceived to be flaws in my management of others. During their sincere efforts to help me by their frequent critiques, I grew increasingly defensive. In my hurt I began to close down emotionally and withdraw from them. What I realize now is that our team would have been far healthier if instead of closing my heart I had opened more of my heart to them. If I had given my advisors a more honest glimpse into my inner world, I believe they might have been supportive allies for me instead of insensitive critics. What I was lacking is what Pat Lencioni calls “interpersonal courage.” This is the failure to speak all your mind with all your heart.
So, who might benefit from seeing and hearing more of the real you? And how might you make a more serious effort of really seeing and hearing others as well? This I know: to see and to hear, to be seen and to be heard is God’s call to us all. I, for one, seek to be a more care-full friend in the coming days.
Grace and Peace,
Alan
